Sublimation of Humanity
by Vanilla Arcana
Summary: The Sakamaki boys discover the wonderful world of fan fiction.


"What do you do on there all night? Watch porn?" Ayato shot at his older brother in a bored tone of voice, looking to start trouble.

Laito's slender fingers tapped away at the keyboard without regard to his sibling. The laptop's screen flickered in his green eyes as he lazily browsed the web for anything remotely interesting. A sigh escaped him as he clicked another dead link.

"Hey, didn't you hear me?" barked the younger vampire as he dropped his magazine and sat beside his brother on the sofa. He scooted closer to Laito and poked his head around the laptop, squinting. "What's all this garble? Isn't that – "

"Ehh? We have a page online?" The brunet's eyebrows rose into his forehead as he curiously leaned forward. He glanced between Ayato and the screen before accessing the hyperlink.

The redheaded boy read aloud, "Fan fiction. What the heck is that?"

"It's just a bunch of preteen girls acting out their horrifically inaccurate sexual fantasies," Shuu commented from behind them. Both Ayato and Laito looked back at their elder sibling. Stretched out across the window box he resembled a fat, lazy housecat. His eyes remained closed as he continued, "Oh, and keep it down. I'm trying to hibernate over here."

"Hee-hee, sounds like fun. Wanna read some?" Laito grinned and nudged his baby brother in the ribs.

Ayato shrugged and agreed, "There's nothing else to do, so yeah. How bad could it be?"

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Shuu added with a long yawn.

Laito waved his hand dismissively and randomly selected a 'story' from the list on the page. Ayato inched closer to him and read along. Both their green eyes widened as they moved further down the page.

"So, how old are these girls? Ten? Twelve?" Ayato sputtered with laughter.

"Hmph. I'm not _that _horny all the time." The brunet folded his arms and poked his nose in the air.

Ayato narrowed his eyes and gave him a look that shrieked 'bullshit.'

"Okay, fine. I'm horny, so what? I would _never _associate with someone who has such terrible taste in music. Why would I want to get laid while listening to _Whore_? Seriously, ugh," Laito grumbled and pursed his lips before mashing the back button on his web browser. He felt Ayato's gaze burning through him again and added, "I prefer classical music for late night romps, thank you. It's _so_ much more romantic."

"Just pick another one already." Ayato reached over him and moved his fingers across the touch pad, selecting another story. "This one ought to be good 'cause it's about Yours Truly."

It was _delectably _good. Apparently, the poor narcissist had an evil clone from an alternate universe who liked screwing around with a girl named Hikari Sakura Mnemosyne Ravenheart.

"What the…" The redhead's mouth gaped.

Laito fell back on the sofa he was laughing so hard. He gasped between giggles, "At least my make-believe girlfriend didn't have rainbow hair and mood rings for eyes! Aww, and look! You two are _sooo _in wuv that you're banging each other in the hallway! It was meant to be!"

"Shut up! Gimme that damn thing!" rasped the other boy as he grabbed the laptop and returned to the previous web page. His face was bright red as he tried to find another embarrassing story about his idiot brother. "What the hell? There's one about Reiji?"

Laito snatched the laptop and immediately clicked the link. "Now this should be interesting…"

"My God in Heaven," echoed a third voice behind them, "what is this _filth_ and who perpetrated it?"

Needless to say when Laito and Ayato turned around to come face-to-face with Reiji it took about twenty years off their lives. The family head wore an expression so rare and breathtaking that they couldn't tear their eyes off him.

"I asked you two a question," repeated the elder vampire.

"I-It's called fan fiction. See?" Laito pointed to the link in the upper left-hand corner of the screen.

Reiji's lip twitched as he reached into the breast pocket of his vest and whipped out a cell phone.

Ayato's mouth slanted to one side. "What're you gonna do? Call the Interpol?"

"Not quite. I'm calling our attorney," rebutted the dark-haired man with a sneer, "and suing these idiots for slander."

After Reiji stalked out of the room a loud crash reverberated from the corridor. The floor shook and thunder rumbled overhead as a half-asleep Subaru stormed into the family room.

"I'm trying to _sleep_! Does that mean anything to you bastards?! Quit giggling and squawking like a bunch of stupid girls!"

An eerie silence pervaded the room after the youngest Sakamaki stomped off to his room again. Shuu didn't seem affected by the random outburst; he just rolled over and continued to snore. Ayato looked a little surprised but Laito's expression was priceless.

"What's wrong? Piss your underwear?" taunted the redhead.

Laito huffed and focused on his laptop, "I don't wear any. I like going commando." His eyes lit up when he found another story to pick on. He gestured to his snarky brother and motioned to the screen. "Pbbt, isn't this cute?"

"Another rich, prissy bitch that falls in love with Shuu? For real? Why does he get all the terribly written babes to himself? Everyone knows _I'm _the main character," Ayato complained and sat back with his arms folded. "These chicks need to get with the program."

"At least you're not dry humping anyone that casually walks by," scoffed his big brother as he clicked away from the page and searched for something else. His lips curled down into a perturbed frown as he read another entry. "How can two girls share the same heart? Last time I checked our mother wasn't a Siamese twin."

Ayato threw his hands in the air and slammed the laptop shut. "I can't take this shit anymore! Geez! Haven't these dumbass authors ever sat through an English class?!"

"Ha! You sound like Reiji!" Laito exclaimed with a chuckle.

A level three earthquake rocked the house as Subaru reentered the room, veins protruding from his head as he picked up Laito's laptop. He slinked over to the window box, where Shuu was still sawing logs, and slowly opened the window. The laptop's owner just sat back and watched as Subaru chucked the infernal device into the open night air. A satisfied grin thinned his lips when it hit the pavement with a shattering thud.

"That'll learn ya," Subaru muttered as he plodded past the sofa.

"Eh, I needed a new laptop anyways," Laito said with a shrug. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and gasped, "Oh my God, I almost forgot! It's Saturday!"

Ayato gave him a funny, questioning look.

"Kanato and I watch 'Fedora Guy' every Saturday night! Wanna come?" asked the brunet as he rose from the sofa and stretched his arms above his head. "You'd like it! Raunchy, stupid and funny…It's right up your alley!"

"Fine. Whatever," mumbled the redhead as he followed his brother upstairs. "Anything has to be better than that _crap_ we just read…"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **This is a general parody. It doesn't target any specific story or author. I just wanted to illustrate the silliness of these fan fiction tropes (Bad characterization, lack of grammar, icky OCs, etc.) It was also funny to imagine the Sakamaki boys reacting to some of these stories. Parody means this was meant to be humorous. You're not supposed to take it seriously or get offended because of it. If you did then I apologize as it was not my intention to offend. I'm not a perfect author by any stretch of the imagination; I'm just trying to get a few laughs from my audience. :)


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